Amazon Links

Monday, February 7, 2011

First Line Contest

HI Folks

I found a neat contest: FIRST LINE CONTEST It Was A Dark And Stormy Night Contest

Here's the first line of my current WIP.

Name: Hope Welsh
Title: This Time Forever
Genre: Contemporary paranormal romantic suspense

Shawn Ryder stood dispassionately watching the room and his only thought was if I don't get out of here soon, this masquerade is going to turn into a massacre.

If he didn't get out of here soon, this masquerade party was going to turn into a massacre.

And one last one: (taking some of your great suggestions~!)

Shawn knew if didn't get out of here soon, this masquerade party was going to turn into a massacre.

Comments are requested, please :)


  1. I like the juxtaposition of "masquerade" and "massacre". Nice job.

  2. Is the first line the one in bold? I think the bold sentence would be perfect if you substituted his name for "he". That would really kick you into the story. I want to find out why the party is going to turn into a massacre if he doesn't leave. I agree with Elena, I liked the word play between Masquerade and massacre.

  3. Excellent first line. Makes you want to read more!

  4. VERY nice == thank you ladies! So, name changed to "he" instead? hmmmm

  5. I think it would stronger if you make the dialogue show what he is thinking rather than tell us what he is thinking. Also, make "going to turn into" stronger. Perhaps:

    "If I don't get out of here soon," Shawn said, "This masquerade will transform into a massacre."

    I don't see how he can be standing there "dispassionately" and yet thinking about leaving soon so the massacre doesn't occur. They don't seem to mesh. And if heh is standing there all dispassionately, show us he is don't tell me. ARe his hands in his pockets? Is he leaning against a wall? Is he rolling his eyes at the pretentiousness of the other guests? You can show all that a little bit further down in the story if you need to.

    I do want to read more, though! :)

  6. I love masquerade and massacre in the same sentence. It really makes me want to know more. I do like Christine's idea of keeping the bold sentence and adding the name:

    If Shawn Ryder didn't get out of here soon, this masquerade party was going to turn into a massacre.

  7. I think your first line is the one in bold? If so, I really like it!

    If not, I don't know about using the word "dispassionately" alongside him thinking of a massacre.

    So, if you put up both for a choice, my pick is the bold one :)

    Christi Corbett

  8. I'm intrigued.
    IMO, what the MC is thinking and the scene he's observing are more important than his posture. In any event, I'd lose the adverb and show us how he's standing instead of telling us.
    I agree that a "dispassionate" stance doesn't mesh with the later mental note to leave before the killing starts.
    Thanks for sharing.

  9. I love the one in the bold. It sets the mood and setting of the story.

  10. Decisions....

    LOL he's actually at a party his own company is doing.

    The original line was just "He was bored to tears"

    No real massacre is imminent--he just wants to leave a boring party---

    Little does he know--in less than two minutes a woman is going to be shot saving his life.

  11. I like the bolded line! If you put his name in there instead of "he," I would leave it as Shawn rather than his first and last name.

  12. Oops..there are two 'first lines" one in bold, and the other with his inner-thoughts in italics at the end.

    Just realized how confusing that was, sigh

  13. I definitely prefer the second option (with his name added as others mentioned). Definitely grips the reader and makes me want to know why! Great work!

  14. Thanks for the comments! You all are great!

  15. I like the first one, just omit the word 'dispassionately' and you've got a great intro. You get the idea of how he feels without it by the rest of the sentence. I also like the play with the words masquerade and massacre.

  16. I like your second, bolded sentence better. it's tight and gives an impression of the situation right away. The only other suggestion I have is to add your MC's name back in instead of 'he'. Great hook and it makes me want to know more about so many things.

  17. I like the bolded sentence with the MC name, too. How about 'the' masquerade party 'would be' (instead of 'would turn into')? That makes him sound dangerous.

  18. I like the new and improved version. I wonder, would it be better in the first-person, as an internal thought?

    "if I don't get out of here soon, this masquerade is going to turn into a massacre, thought X."

  19. Thought about that, JC...but the next paragraph makes it clear.

    It seemed like the internal thought -- the firs tone-- wasn't popular.


  20. Thanks everyone. After all this--my puter crashed, and I missed the 8am deadline :(

  21. Holly, you can delete and reenter it in the post if you wanted to put the revised one up on the post - the deadline has been extended until 12PM EST. :D

  22. I love how you use masquerade and massacre in the same sentence. It draws you in. Great sentence. Good luck!

  23. THanks everyone! YAY! I'm not too late.

    One final question: I've been reading others and they say to NEVER use the character's name in the first line!

    Is that true? I still have time to do a little more revision with the lovely Brenda saying I have til noon.


Thanks for the comments! Much appreciated.