Greetings fellow crusader, just dropping by. Looking forward to reading more of your work on the crusade.
Hello there. Gonna search for this work in progress...
“Okay, I know where went. There’s no electricity—so of course at night there is no light”I would put “it” in-between where and went. And the rhyme of night and light kinda comes off as campy.“I’m sure that’s was movie title.” I’m sure that is a movie title.Your narrator spends a lot of time talking about how dark it is. This is kind of annoying because I already know what darkness is.“Not just a little glimmer of light at the end of a wand—you’ve read Harry Potter, right?” Hmmm. This line makes me feel out of place and really makes me want to stop reading. Yes, I have NOT read Harry Potter nor do I intend to and I don’t think that people should assume that everyone has read it. J.K. Rowling is a phenomenal best-selling author but not every person in the world that reads is going to buy one of her books.“So, you’d figure that me, being a teenage girl, I’d be at least a little afraid, right?” Okay established.“I wasn’t afraid of the dark, of course.” She repeats herself a lot.“I realized that some of the people there did need kept away from others” The words “did need kept” are a little clumsy here.“A small of us are hidden outside the city” A small what is hidden outside the city? Or is “small” here being used as a noun and not an adjective?“But, there are also a lot of people that are crazy. I mentioned that, right?” Yes, you’ve been redundant this entire chapter.“I think they figured that term would make people more willing to turn them in way back in the beginning” I’m not drawing the connection here. How does the term “powers” being applied to a person make me want to turn them in more than say calling them “mutants”?“I couldn’t carry out twenty people” Why can’t she? Or is she just selfish? Does she have some disability like a weight restriction from being in rehabilitation? My friend Kathy was a teen girl and carried her boyfriend Nate around all the time.Thanks for the read.
Stopping by to introduce myself as a new follower and fellow crusader. Did you find out what group you're in yet?
Hello! Fellow crusader here. Just stopping by to say hello! Nice to meet you.
Hi, Hope,Nice to meet you...Hopping over from the crusade list to introduce myself and follow.The first challenge is up!Michael
Hello Hope. I am popping by to say hellow and follow. You're in one of my groups. Your chapter was a good read, but you have some missed articles and some problems with sentence structure. Do you have a crit partner to do a check for you? You need to edit it some more.Hope you're not offended but I'm just being helpfu.Denise:)
Hello Hope,We're fellow crusaders from the same group. I'm just dropping by to introduce? myself. I think I remember you from eHarl forum Medical Fasttrack time.
Hello fellow crusader!
Hey there fellow crusader! Thanks for sharing your first chapter - I'm going to print it and read it. Mine's up too, on the public Compuserve Forum (you don't need to log in): http://community.compuserve.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?tsn=1&nav=messages&webtag=ws-books&tid=70029
Hi there, I'm dropping by to introduce myself as a fellow crusader. I'm looking forward to taking a read of your work. Pleased to meet you.
Ok, so to be completely honest, I only read half of it. I LOVE the idea. It's an intersting and curious concept, and I definately think the first sentence should stay. I did have a few issues with it thoughI feel like you need to transition things more. It feels like you just throw things in, because you don't know how to start them. Like out of nowhere going "Since I'm an x year old girl." and "my friend, you know my friend right." It feels very sporadic, particularly with all the dashes. Even going right from "they say the first thing god created was light." to "then why is there darkness." I'd rather more explanation, more visual. Show me, dont tell me. If you edit it, I'll certainly look at it again for you when you're done. Don't get discouraged, it's a great start! Good luck!<3 Gina Blechman
Hi there,I agree with the above comments.Interesting concept, you just need to edit edit edit and tighten it up a bit. I like the idea of starting with a biblical reference. It is a bit disjointed. Now i think you are trying to make it that little bit disjointed ie that is the characters thought process(forgive me if you are not) but you have to be careful when doing this it takes careful editing.I suggest giving it a 'go over' and post again. We really don't mind having another look :-)Happy writingDon't you just love the crusade :-)Sarah
I'm just finishing up my Publication Party series so now I've a little time to get around and say hi personally to everyone in my 2 crusader groups. I've made a blogroll in my sidebar especially for my groups so I can see your latest posts and comment (which is the idea as we can't keep up with 200+ crusaders!)Oh, and I also created a badge which is yours to copy and take in my latest post of welcome to romance crusaders. I'd be delighted to see it in each of our sidebars.Denise<3
I'm following Denise above with this message:Hi, I'm also a fellow crusader group 20 member and here to say Hi!As Denise above said, she's made an awesome badge for us. I've already linked it on my sidebar with my groups blogs linked!I've got a multi-published author talking about what a time suck social networking is!!??on my blog and I've also got a giveaway coming up.
new follower from the crusade.
Passed you an award, fellow crusader! http://thegirdleofmelian.blogspot.com/2011/02/passing-on-awards-and-passing-on.html
Thanks for the comments! Much appreciated.